I was reading Craig Mod’s walking memoir “Things Become Other Things” the other day. The part where he writes about his grandfather1 made me almost cry in public and naturally made me think of mine.
My grandfather was my best friend until he died when I was 16. Circumstances led to me living with him for three years from ages 11 to 14. Before that, I didn’t know him well, because I lived abroad. He was my partner-in-crime when it came to unearthing and eating too many sweets (especially sweets meant for guests during Eid times) and staying up past my bedtime talking about random stuff, plans for the future, everything.
His face is probably the only one that is etched into my memory. I normally can’t visualize things. When I think of a word, it’s not an image that shows up in my mind, but how it is written (if anything). His head, however, I can remember always. Front and back (see below).
Together, we used to walk to the little shop in our little neighbourhood to get groceries in bulk. Always in bulk. Not sure why. Probably a habit from back when he lived in a tiny village in the middle of Anatolia. Little to live by, tough life. Now, in Istanbul, he would still buy flour and sugar in at least 10kg bags, sometimes more. I always pretended that the bags were not heavy, that I could handle them. And somehow I did, too. I would try handing him the lighter bags, mostly containing our chocolates, candies and wafers. (I think watching Niklaas as a child had a formative (traumatic?) effect on me and made me overly sensitive when it came to old, fragile men.)
He rarely went out otherwise. Only for Friday prayers at the mosque. I would give him his cane and then watch him from the balcony until he disappeared around the corner. I don’t carry a photograph of him, I don’t need one, but this is on my phone and I look at it at intervals. The same round white head and his beard looking from behind just like this. An instant cheer-me-up 🙂

He was my biggest cheerleader, constantly repeating that I could become anything if I studied hard, even prime minister. (At that time, Turkey had its first female prime minister). The things I crafted were always beautiful, the things I baked always delicious, and the things I did always kind / generous. His favourite childhood memory of me that he repeated often was when he took me to the shop and I, not yet able to speak, pointed out the things I wanted, then pointed at them for another round and said my sister’s name. In his eyes, this was a definite sign of a kind heart. I would think it was a sign of a child who didn’t want to share.
He only drank sugary water. Or rather watery sugar: half cup sugar, half cup water. Can you imagine? Apparently, years ago, a doctor prescribed him sugar for an ailment and boy did he make the most of it.
He was very attached to his Ossetian heritage, his grandfather being the one who immigrated to the then Ottoman Empire from Ossetia. He would teach me things like how to hold a glass for a guest, where/how to wait for the glass while the guest drank, and so on. Every little detail could/would suggest something, had significance and showing respect to guests, especially the elderly, was and is a very important part of our culture. Being the rebel that I am, I would question and challenge many of the customs and we would discuss their merits at length. Looking back, I think it was from these discussions that I learned that the way you interact with others is more about you than the others. It doesn’t matter if a person deserves respect, what kind of person do you want to be? A respectful person, or not? It doesn’t matter if a person rather deserves a swear word or two, what kind of person do you want to be? Someone who swears or someone who can keep their cool, isn’t easily agitated?
Most of the days, after school and on weekends, you could find us two in the living room. Him lying on one sofa, me lying on the other. Some kind of candy or chocolate box on the floor between us, watching TV: news, political debates, action movies, and most importantly couple’s figure skating during winter sport season 🙂 He loved watching all winter sports and local movies too, but for me they were either boring or I didn’t like the swearing (no censorship back then) and would leave the room. Always feeling guilty to leave him alone. (No idea why I was being so dramatic? Again, I blame Niklaas).
To this day, when I feel overwhelmed or sad, I see him in a dream, hug him tightly, start crying and wake up crying. For someone who rarely cries, these encounters always make me feel somehow better.
That is why, Craig’s anecdote got me and that is why I can’t listen to this song from an Austrian band any longer either2.
Love you grandpa. Until we meet again…












